You Don’t Own Your Partner’s Pleasure: Why Masturbation in Relationships Isn’t a Threat
So you find out your partner sometimes masturbates instead of coming straight to you for sex. What’s your first thought? You might wonder, “Is she not satisfied with our sex life?” or “Is something wrong?”
What if I told you that your partner’s choice to masturbate has nothing to do with you? Because you do not own your partner’s pleasure.
Recently, I was listening to a letter from a listener on The Read podcast. The letter came from someone who shared that her wife of many years recently learned that she masturbates. Her wife didn’t take it well. In fact, she started crying, questioning why her wife didn’t just come to her when she wanted to “flick the bean.” She wanted to be the sole source of her partner’s orgasms and couldn’t believe she’d choose to pleasure herself. When I heard that part, I said out loud, “Are you serious?”
That’s not how pleasure works. Our partner doesn’t have to come to us every time they want an orgasm. Autonomy in pleasure is a right, not an act of rejection.
The Benefits of Solo Sex in Relationships
Masturbation isn’t a red flag—it’s part of a healthy, autonomous relationship. Here are some reasons why:
It supports sexual self-awareness: Masturbation helps people learn what they like, dislike, and desire. That knowledge often leads to more satisfying communication during partnered sex.
It can increase libido: Research shows that solo sex may actually boost desire for partnered sex, not lessen it, by keeping arousal pathways active.
It supports personal agency: Your partner might be tired, overstimulated, or simply in a mood to explore their body privately. Solo sex gives them the freedom to tend to themselves without pressure or performance.
It encourages exploration: Trying a new toy, fantasy, or sensation solo can build confidence and curiosity, which benefits shared intimacy later.
It reduces pressure in the relationship: When both people feel comfortable accessing pleasure independently, it removes the idea that sex is an obligation or metric of relationship success.
By embracing masturbation as part of a healthy relationship, we make space for agency. We recognize that pleasure doesn’t have to be something our partner gives to us—it’s something we share when we want to, and something we can reclaim on our own when we need to.
If you find yourself hurt or confused by your partner’s solo sex habits, ask yourself:
Do I believe my partner should only experience pleasure through me?
Am I interpreting this as rejection, or could it be something else?
What language do I use that reflects control rather than trust?
May is National Masturbation Month. What better time to reframe the way we view solo sex in relationships, not as a substitute or a problem, but as a valid and powerful form of pleasure? It might also be a sign that you could benefit from some solo sex yourself.
