What Do You Really Want When You Want Sex?
Why do we have sex?
Or maybe a better question is:
What is it that you really want when you want sex?
I mean seriously, you’re kissing, licking, sucking, rubbing, sliding, and riding another person (or people). There’s something you're seeking in all of that, right? But how often do we pause long enough to name what that is?
In Come Together, author and sex educator Emily Nagoski explains that people don’t typically have sex just to have an orgasm. Instead, sex is usually motivated by one (or more) of four deeper desires:
Connection
Shared Pleasure
Feeling Wanted
A Sense of Freedom
Let’s get into it!
Sex for Connection
This is probably the most familiar one. It’s the rom-com reason. The "make-up sex" moment. The "let’s take this to the next level" energy. But real connection goes way beyond what we see in movies. Connection might look like being held. Making out for an hour. Laughing between strokes. Listening. Being seen and letting yourself be known. Sometimes, sex is the language we use when words aren’t enough.
Sex for Shared Pleasure
You ever think about your partner moaning and feel your coochie jump? Yeah, that’s shared pleasure. It's about wanting to give and receive. The way your body lights up when theirs does. The joy of watching each other unravel and knowing you did that. It’s not just “I want to feel good.” It’s “I want us to feel good together.”
Sex to Feel Wanted
Sometimes we want sex because we want to feel desirable. To be lusted after. To feel sexy and, chosen. It’s less about orgasm and more about validation, intimacy, and being wanted in a world that often asks us to shrink. So the question becomes:
What is it that I want when I want to feel sexy or desirable?
Sex for a Sense of Freedom
Let’s be honest, life can feel like a never-ending to-do list. But in a really good sexual experience, that list disappears. Sex can be a way to drop out of your head and land fully in your body. It’s a portal out of the ordinary and into the now. Into breath, sensation, rhythm, surrender. Sometimes we want sex because we want freedom. From pressure, performance, and perfection. Just freedom to feel.
So, What About You?
The next time you feel turned on or crave intimacy, try asking: What is it that I really want right now? Is it to feel close? To feel chosen? To feel alive in your body?
Your answer might shift day to day, partner to partner, moment to moment—and that’s okay. There’s no wrong reason. There’s just deeper knowing waiting to be uncovered.
Curious to explore more?
If you're sitting with questions about why you want sex, why you don't, or what you're truly craving in intimate moments, you’re not alone. These are real, tender things to unpack. And the truth is, you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. I offer free discovery calls for folks who are curious about sex coaching and want a space to explore their desires, blocks, or patterns.
Book a discovery call here and let’s talk about what desire (or the absence of it) means for you.
